| Chapter Seven: The Very Annoying Diary |
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"You have start studying."
Slowly, painfully, Dudley began to read. A little. He was curious to learn about any terrible magic that might have affected Snape and turned him into a brutal, whip-cracking, McGonagall clone. While sitting in the Slytherin common room one evening, he saw a reference to Polyjuice Potion and suggested to Greg and Pansy that Snape wasn't really Snape.
"But look, they don't even have the formula," said Pansy, pointing to the page which Dudley was sort-of-reading. "The recipe for Polyjuice Potion must be in some other book."
Greg shuddered. "It's probably a whole book by itself!"
"Anyway, you should get started on some homework," said Pansy. She pointed toward Dudley's unused Charms and Transfiguration books.
"Homework? Then what's the point of going to classes?"
"Do you remember anything you learned in class?"
"Er..."
Pansy tried quizzing Dudley on material they'd supposedly covered. Quite unfairly, she asked very difficult questions like 'What's the difference between Charms and Transfiguration?'
Dudley had no answers. But neither did Greg, so he didn't feel too badly. "If neither of us remember, it's obviously the teacher's fault."
Pansy gave up and went to bed.
Dudley decided it was time to get serious about learning. He set his Charms book on the seat of a chair by the fire, opened his Transfiguration book and lay it across the back of the chair, then stretched out on top of them both.
A few hours later, Dudley woke with a start and saw that the rest of the Common Room was empty. For some reason, he was lying on a pair of books. Why was that? he thought.
"Dursley," whispered the fireplace.
Dudley jerked his head and saw a pale, pointed face looking out from the flames. It resembled an older version of his friend Draco.
"Hi," said Dudley, standing up long enough to take the Charms textbook (which looked satisfyingly used, now) out from underneath his butt.
"It's me, Lucius Malfoy," said the man in the fire. "Enjoying the diary?"
"Oh, yes," lied Dudley.
"Anything... unusual been happening at Hogwarts?" he asked.
"Lots of stuff," said Dudley, thinking of the dueling club, the rogue Snitch, and Professor Snape. "Weird, dangerous stuff."
Malfoy grinned. "And how are you doing?"
"Not so good," said Dudley. He was still suffering the aftereffects of trying to read. "I have a headache. And I have trouble remembering things. Sometimes several hours pass and it's like... well, they're just gone. Hey, why are you smiling about that?"
"Normal side-effect," said Malfoy quickly. "It means your Dark powers are growing."
"Cool!"
"So the Chamber of Secrets has been opened?"
Sensing this was a test, perhaps a reference to something he was supposed to have learned in History of Magic, Dudley gave the safest answer he could think of: "Yes."
Malfoy was pleased. He wished Dudley the best and disappeared from the fire.
"Chamber of Secrets," said Dudley aloud. "Chamber of Secrets, Chamber of Secrets...." It would not do to forget what he'd told Mr. Malfoy, so Dudley dug into his bookbag for something to write on. He'd burned all his parchment to keep warm in the courtyard during break ("Incendio" being his specialty) but, luckily, he still had the diary.
He opened it to the first page and saw the name "T. M. Riddle" written in smudged ink. For some reason, that name seemed to mean something to Dudley, almost as though Riddle was a friend he'd had when he was very small, and had half-forgotten. But this was absurd. All of Dudley's friends appeared in carefully labeled photographs from his birthday parties, his mother had seen to that. Plus, Dudley was sure he himself had never been "very small".
Beneath Riddle's name, he penned a quick reminder to himself: "the chambur of secruts is open." The ink faded and disappeared.
This was too much! The words were gone -- all that effort was wasted! But then, strangely, the diary wrote back:
"It has? Are you sure?"
"Yes," said Dudley aloud. When the diary did not respond, he gave a great heaving sigh and wrote yes.
"Drat, I'm obsolete," replied the diary. "Wait, forget I said that. Do you want to know who opened it? I can show you."
Dudley wrote back, "i dont like to reed."
"You won't have to," answered the diary. The pages turned themselves to the middle of June and Dudley saw that the little square for June thirteenth looked like a miniscule television screen.
"That's more like it," he grinned, focusing his attention on the television.
It was better than television in some ways and worse in others. It was like a virtual reality simulation, but Dudley had no laser blasters (nor, indeed, anything to blast). The 'show' that T. M. Riddle presented was an outdated documentary about the time the Chamber had been opened fifty years ago. Tom Riddle (as Dudley learned his name was) seemed very proud of his role in catching the culprit (a kid named Hagrid), but aside from a brief appearance by a giant spider there wasn't any action.
When the show was over, Dudley politely wrote back, "do you have anything that isnt so borring?"
The diary did not.
| Chapter Eight: Purebloods and Murmurs |
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"I think I studied History of Magic," said Dudley. "I learned the Chamber of Secrets has been opened by a big kid named 'Hagrid'."
"Did we cover that in class?" asked Greg.
Pansy shrugged. "How would I know? Nobody pays attention in History of Magic."
"Cool!" said Greg. "Dudley, this means you're at the top of the class now!"
Dudley grinned, basking in admiration. Yes, he'd come a long way in his acadmeic career. In fact, it was probably time to take a break and start thinking about his fan club again. Between his required third helping of sausage and his optional fourth helping, he saw Ron's sister, Ginny, passing nearby. "I'll be right back," he said to Greg and Pansy. "Save me a plate of sausage."
Ginny, still in awe of the famous Dudley Dursley, kept trying to look the other way as Dudley approached. He eventually jumped in front of her and shocked her out of her shyness. "What do you want now?" she asked.
"Colin's starting a fan club," lied Dudley.
"A fan club?"
"For famous wizards. Especially Parselmouths."
"I see."
"He wants you to join, says you'd be perfect! But, er... make him think it was your idea."
"Riiiiight. Listen, Dudley, I appreciate the books you gave me in Diagon Alley, but--"
"I gave you some books?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"I was just thanking you for them."
"You like books?" said Dudley incredulously. Then inspiration siezed him. He dug into his backpack, pulled out the diary, and offered it to Ginny. "You can have this! It's pretty neat. You can read it or write in it."
"Fine," said Ginny, taking the diary. "May I go now?"
There was quite a commotion that evening in the Great Hall.
Most of the students had already finished eating and left. But Dudley and Greg were not "most students" and they continued testing the limits of human consumption. They were alone at the Slytherin table with Pansy, who had stayed to keep them company.
"It's fascinating to watch," she said, as Dudley rolled a stick of biscotti across the back of his knuckles and into his waiting mouth, "in a sick sort of way."
Then the doors banged open and a man with pale blond hair, a pointed chin, and a very expensive outfit strolled into the Great Hall as though he owned the school.
"Lucius Malfoy," said Dumbledore evenly, rising from his seat. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"Dreadful thing, Dumbledore," drawled Malfoy. "I have an Order of Suspension signed by the governors. You are to step down at once."
Interesting, thought Dudley. He put aside his biscotti so he could hear better.
"Is that so?" said Dumbledore, who did not step down at all. "May I ask why?"
Something less crunchy, thought Dudley. Ice cream!
"Because the Chamber of Secrets has been opened! You are obviously unfit to handle the situation!"
Not enough strawberry. Should I eat some vanilla first?
"I will, of course, do as the governors ask. But you'll look like an idiot."
What if I mixed strawberry and vanilla? Would it just be weak strawberry, or does vanilla count as its own flavor?
"Why is that?"
"The Chamber has not been opened. Your... source... must be mistaken."
"Oops."
Not bad, but it could use a swirl of chocolate. Dudley glanced up and saw Mr. Malfoy glaring at him.
"My apologies, Dumbledore. It's the new clerk, I'm sure."
"Ah, yes," said the Headmaster. "Probably wanted to order some brooms and misspelled a few words on the report."
"I'm sure that was it. Good evening, then." Malfoy turned and left the Great Hall, shooting a last hateful look at Dudley as he went.
After he was gone, Pansy said, "He sure seemed angry when he looked at Dudley. I wonder why?"
"I didn't catch anything," said Greg. "I was eating biscotti."
"He probably skipped dessert to come here," answered Dudley. "That'd put me in a bad mood."
As it turned out, Mr. Malfoy had the right idea, just bad timing.
One day in the middle of November, Dudley, Pansy and Greg had just left the Great Hall when Dudley heard someone say, "So hungry... for so loong...."
"We just had dinner, Greg," said Dudley. "Although a second dessert might go down nicely."
"Huh?"
"You just said 'so hungry'."
"No, I didn't."
"Neither did I," added Pansy. "Are you s--"
"Shh!" hissed Dudley, straining his ears to follow the voice. It seemed to be moving upwards.
"Must eat, this time...."
"C'mon!" said Dudley, rushing for the stairs.
"What?" asked Greg and Pansy, following after.
"Is there another dining hall upstairs?" panted Dudley, taking the steps two at a time. "Because I hear somebody going up for a meal!"
He followed the voice all around the second floor, not stopping until he reached the last, deserted passage. There, he saw foot-high words daubed on the wall between two windows:
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.
"Whoa!" said Pansy. "Something's not right, here!"
"No buffet?" guessed Dudley.
"That dead cat?" said Greg.
"No, it's--" she frowned and concentrated for a moment-- "it's the message. The way it rhymes is just no good. Let's see... 'Vile enemies, who oppose the heir; the Chamber of Secrets is open, beware!'"
By now, a crowd of students had gathered around the end of the passage and were muttering fearfully amongst themselves.
"The Chamber of Secrets..."
"It's Slytherin's heir, it has to be!"
"D'you think it's Dursley?"
Dudley drew himself up proudly and addressed the crowd. "Do you know anyone else who speaks Parseltongue?"
There was a collective gasp, then Ernie MacMillan spoke up: "Did you open the Chamber, Dudley?"
"I'm just saying... you really don't want to get on my bad side now, do you?"
Then the Professors began to arrive, and the accusations started flying.
"My cat!" whined Filch. "I want some punishment! I want Dursley expelled!"
"Bad idea," argued Snape. "A top-notch Dark wizard is an asset to the school."
"And you're perfectly safe as long as I'm here," said Lockhart.
To Dudley's surprise, it was McGonagall who said to Filch, "I think you're jumping to conclusions. Whatever Dursley may be capable of, he never could have spelled this entire message correctly."
"Innocent until proven literate," said a deep, calm voice. Everyone went quiet and turned their attention to the Headmaster. "I want everyone -- and I mean everyone -- to clear the corridor. Return to your Common Rooms immediately."
"Headmaster," interrupted Lockhart, "Surely I could be of assistance? My office is just down the hall...."
"We could use the comic relief," said Dumbledore. "All right, Lockhart stays. You too, Professor McGonagall -- bring the cat, please. And Mr. Dursley, of course, I'll want to have a word with you. Miss Parkinson and Mr. Goyle can join you as well. Professor Snape, they're in your House, you'd better come along. Professor Flitwick, I'll want a medical opinion on the cat -- please fetch Madam Pomfrey and join us in Lockhart's office. Professor Sprout, I have a feeling I'll be asking about Mandrakes. Mr. MacMillan, Miss Abbott, you two can represent the suspicious students. To be fair, then, we should invite all the Prefects and the Quidditch captains, each of whom may select up to three additional students to attend them."
A couple of first years wandered off. The rest of the crowd formed up behind Dumbledore as he followed Lockhart toward Lockhart's office.
"Headmaster!" interjected Filch. "What about me?"
Dumbledore jerked his thumb back to point toward the graffiti. "You've got a mess to clean up, Filch."
Once they were crowded into Lockhart's office, Professor Dumbledore drew his wand and examined the cat for several minutes. At least, he seemed to be examining it. Dudley didn't see any bangs and smoke, so he thought the Headmaster might be faking.
Dumbledore eventually decided the cat wasn't dead, but only Petrified. He suggested that "somebody mention this to Filch in the next day or two" and then turned his attention to Dudley. "Mr. Dursley -- did you open the Chamber of Secrets?"
Once again, Dudley was certain that this old bearded guy could not be fooled. "No, sir," he said quietly. "At least, not that I know."
"Not that you know?" said McGonagall, mockingly. "What, you think the Chamber of Secrets can be opened by someone wandering around in a daze, getting his memory wiped afterwards? Tuh!"
Even Dudley had to admit that was a silly idea.
| Chapter Nine: Greg and Pansy Act Weird |
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"This isn't the Christmas Feast," argued Pansy. "That's on Christmas day. Just because this is your last night before going home--"
"But look at how much I'm eating," countered Dudley.
"I suppose..."
"Look, you might know a bit more than I do about Charms, Herbology, Transmorgrification--"
"Transfiguration."
"Whatever. But I'm the food expert."
Explaining things to Pansy had cost Dudley some time. Because he didn't want to rush his meal, then, he was left eating by himself some time after Greg and Pansy had left.
As Dudley was leaving the Great Hall at last, he saw the broom closet in the entrance hall opening. Out stepped Ron Weasley and the bushy-haired girl from Gryffindor.
"Eep!" said the girl.
"Er, hi," said Ron.
"Hiya, Ron!" said Dudley cheerfully. "So: What were you doing in the broom closet?"
There was a long pause, then the girl said in a quiet voice, "putting away some brooms?"
"Yeah, right," chortled Dudley. "You were out flying in late December?" Laughing to himself, he turned down the stairs and headed for the Slytherin Common Room.
Pansy and Greg were not there. That was odd.... They couldn't have gone to bed already. They certainly wouldn't be studying. Mabye they were preparing a Christmas present for Dudley. Yes, that made sense. He picked a comfortable chair and sat down to relax and wait.
A short while later, Greg and Pansy returned to the Common Room looking strangely nervous. They sat down on the couch opposite Dudley, stared for a moment, then looked at each other. Greg shrugged his shoulders. Pansy whispered, "go ahead."
"So, Dudley," began Greg. "Dudders? Dudley, then. Any thoughts about the Chamber of Secrets? Think you might have another go at opening it?"
Pansy muttered something under her breath and glared at Greg.
"Why bother?" said Dudley. "I think I've established my authority pretty well."
Pansy gasped. "So you did -- I mean, of course we know -- but I'm just asking--"
"Like I told the old guy," said Dudley, "a powerful wizard like me can sometimes do things without even realizing it. But as far as I know, no, I didn't."
Pansy sighed. "Do you have any idea who did open it?"
"Lockhart, probably."
"Lockhart?" said Greg.
"Sure. He said he knows where the entrance is. And a guy like that wouldn't be afraid of any monster, would he?"
"No," said Pansy.
"Yes," said Greg.
"Hey, you want to hear something funny?" said Dudley. "On my way back from the feast, I saw a couple of people coming out of the broom closet in the entrance hall." Greg and Pansy immediately stiffened and moved to the edge of their seats. "Yeah, it was my friend Ron and that bushy-haired girl from Gryffindor--"
"Hermione Granger," said Pansy at once. "I'm surprised you don't know who she is, she's at the top of all our second-year classes and--"
Greg nudged Pansy and she shut up.
"Anyway," continued Dudley, "She and Ron looked really embarrassed about something. I think they were kissing in there!"
Greg and Pansy both turned bright red. "Hee hee," laughed Pansy after a long pause. "Er... funny, but I'm sure they weren't."
"No," said Greg, looking sideways at Pansy, "But maybe -- I mean, they probably weren't, but -- is it such an impossible idea?"
Pansy looked at the floor and muttered something inaudible.
"So here we are, a few days before Christmas," said Dudley. "You know, when people give other people presents."
Pansy and Greg seemed not to be paying attention. They were looking at each other, pointing at their faces, and making odd gestures.
"Did you two forget something?" asked Dudley.
"Yes!" said Greg, jumping to his feet. Pansy did likewise. "We forgot... something. Er... we'll see you later, okay?"
Then they both fled the Common Room.
Weird, thought Dudley. It was some time before Pansy and Greg returned, looking rather rumpled and out-of-sorts. Worse, they did not have a Christmas present for Dudley. He went up to bed feeling very confused.
Are they disappointed in me? thought Dudley, as he lay awake staring at the ceiling of his four-poster. They expect me to be able to open the Chamber, but I can't do everything. Maybe I'm just not Slytherin's heir. But I still belong here! The Sorting Hat wouldn't have put me in Slytherin if I didn't....
Ah, said a nasty little voice in his brain, but the Sorting Hat wanted to put you in Hufflepuff, don't you remember?
Dudley turned over. He'd just have to find some snakes and show off his Parseltongue ability. He was a uniquely powerful Dark wizard, as any fool should realize.
To be continued...
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