| Chapter Four: Career Advice |
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On his way to Herbology, Dudley met his newest admirer carrying a camera. "I'm Colin Creevey!" piped the tiny boy. "Can I get your picture and an autograph?"
Dudley posed, then was signing the picture just as Gilderoy Lockhart came strolling across the lawn.
"Come, Dudley! We'll make it a shot of both of us!" he offered.
"He already took the picture," said Dudley. Colin nodded his agreement, then hurried off to his own class.
"Well," said Lockhart, looking concerned, "I thought it would be better.... I mean, it looks like you're trying to start a fan club!"
"Neat idea," said Dudley. He left Lockhart and headed toward the greenhouse, only vaguely curious as to why Lockhart was at Hogwarts.
The Herbology class was the best Dudley had had so far. "Cool!" he said (although nobody heard him) as he yanked out a mandrake. "This is Dark Arts stuff, burying little children in pots of dirt!"
After Herbology came Charms. The class was dull, but much better than Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall, furious over Dudley escaping expulsion, reached new levels of vindictiveness in forcing them to work.
"This sucks," said Dudley on the way out of class. "I never had homework in Transfiguration last year."
"We didn't?" said Greg.
"We did," said Pansy.
"I don't remember doing any," countered Dudley.
"You probably didn't."
That afternoon, Dudley found out why Lockhart was at Hogwarts. He was their new Dark Arts Professor. Pansy explained that Lockhart was quite famous for getting rid of all kinds of monsters, according to his books.
"According to the people who've read them," clarified Pansy. "I haven't."
"Me neither," said Greg unnecessarily.
At breakfast on Tuesday, Dudley had just noticed that Ron's sister, Ginny, was sitting at the Gryffindor table. Then an eagle owl landed next to him at the Slytherin table. Dudley untied the parchment and read the note:
Dear Dudley,"What's it say?" asked Greg.
My name is Lucius, I am Draco Malfoy's father (he is doing well at Smeltings, and says 'hello'.) I have it from a reliable source that you've come into possession of a remarkable magical item. I just wanted to offer my encouragment in your effort to make use of it. Please write back and confirm that you are, indeed, writing in the diary.
Lucius Malfoy
P.S., tell no one! These Dark powers are for you alone.
Dudley still wasn't interested in the effort of writing. But at the same time, there was no reason to tell about his secret diary. "Junk mail," he said to Greg.
"What's junk mail?"
Dudley set the parchment on fire.
"Oh," said Greg.
Dudley got up from the table, leaving Greg behind. "I'll see you in class." He hurried to the front doors where he caught up with his friend Ron. "Hey, Ron!"
"Oh. Hi."
"Y'know, I had a good idea from Professor Lockhart. He thinks I should have a fan club."
Ron had no reply.
"So... just thought I'd let you know," said Dudley. "I mean, Colin is interested, and he's in Gryffindor. Maybe he and Ginny... or somebody... could start one."
"Ginny?"
"She's your sister," said Dudley helpfully.
"I know that! I don't think she'd be interested, Dudley. Sorry."
Dudley was disappointed, but he at least had Potions to cheer him up that morning. Lunch, followed by dinner (with snacks in between), kept him going the rest of the day. Tuesday night was his detention, which he would be serving with Gilderoy Lockhart.
Lockhart's office was adorned with many portraits of Lockhart himself. He put Dudley to work addressing envelopes as part of answering his fan mail.
"Dudley, Dudley, Dudley!" said Lockhart brightly. "You're moving along a bit quickly on your route to fame, aren't you?"
"I hope not," said Dudley, whose wrist was cramping after the second envelope. "I really don't like this part of it."
"My point," said Lockhart, grinning braodly, "is that I understand why you and Weasley made that grand entrance. You're trying to catch up with my accomplishments!"
"Oh," said Dudley. "So, you've crashed a bunch of magical cars into trees?"
"No," said Lockhart, his smile fading briefly. "Look -- you've had that one little success early in life, true?" he indicated Dudley's scar. "But it will take a long time to catch up to me."
"Wow!" said Dudley. "How many Dark Lords have you defeated? Ten? Twenty?"
"Er, I mostly do monsters.... But I've taken care of hundreds! I've saved towns and villages around the world!" Lockhart droned on about magical he.
"Sounds like a lot of work," muttered Dudley under his breath, starting on the third envelope. "I'd rather just take credit for what other people did."
"What was that?" said Lockhart suddenly.
"Nuthin'."
| Chapter Five: The Rogue Snitch |
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In a flash of insight, he understood the attraction of polo.
As they moved into October, Dudley remained uninspired in most of his classes. The clear exception was Defense Against the Dark Arts. Lockhart had finally recognized Dudley as an equal, and they now taught the class together, reenacting bits from Lockhart's books. Professor Lockhart was even kind enough to review the passages first, sparing Dudley the effort of reading.
Dudley got two more letters from Lucius Malfoy. The latest came on Halloween morning and was distinctly impatient. But with the Halloween feast just hours away, Dudley was too focused to care about the diary.
The first Quidditch match of the season, Slytherin versus Gryffindor, came in early November. On his way out of the locker room, Dudley saw a cluster of red-haired figures standing at the edge of the pitch, two of them wearing Gryffindor Quidditch robes.
"Hi, Ron!" said Dudley. "Hi, Ginny! Wish me luck?"
"I'm rooting for Gryffindor," said Ginny apologetically. The two boys in Quidditch robes scowled. Dudley shrugged and continued onto the Pitch, joining his fellow Slytherins.
The match began very strangely. The Gryffindor Beaters, obviously fans, were frequently helping Dudley. They kept passing Bludgers to him so he could aim them favorably for his own team -- although they passed them a bit too fast, and on several occasions they made the mistake of sending both Bludgers toward him at once.
Slytherin was up eighty points to sixty when Dudley was struck in the back. It was painful, but whatever hit him was smaller than a Bludger (he'd already been hit by two -- those Gryffindor Beaters must have felt terrible!) Dudley heard a buzzing noise, then something small and golden streaked toward his face.
Pestered by the whatever, Dudley landed on the ground and kept swatting it away. The crowd began murmuring and pointing, and Dudley heard the word 'Snitch.' Both Seekers closed in, but the Golden Snitch streaked away from them, built up speed, and came pelting back toward Dudley. He threw up his hand and Snitch collided painfully with his middle finger.
Madam Hooch made a hasty landing and disabled the Snitch. "Mommy! Mommy!" said Dudley bravely. "My fingy broken!" He heard Hooch say something about calling the match, then with immense relief he saw Gilderoy Lockhart strolling toward him through the gathering crowd.
"Busted finger, eh, Dudley?" said Lockhart. "Not to worry, I'll make it right."
Dudley knew he would -- this was Gilderoy Lockhart, after all! With a casual flick of his wand, the pain in Dudley's finger was gone.
"What did you do?" said a warm, oily voice.
"It's fine now," said Dudley, playing with his boneless digit.
"That really won't do," said Snape, examining the finger.
"Nah, it's fine," said Dudley. "I can still hold a fork with my other fingers. And if I need to make a rude gesture, I've got my other hand, see?"
But Snape got his way in the end. Dudley was sent to the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey gave him a potion for bone regrowth. Dudley sighed and dipped his finger into the potion.
"You have to drink it," insisted Pomfrey.
"I don't want all my bones to regrow," said Dudley. "There isn't room for two sets."
"It won't grow all of them, just the missing ones!"
"Are you sure? Maybe we could get Lockhart back up here--"
But mention of the name 'Lockhart' must have incited a jealous rage in Pomfrey. The potion was quickly forced down Dudley's throat.
Hours later, Dudley was awakened in his hospital bed by the painful sensation of hunger. His finger hurt, too. Then he realized that someone was sponging his forehead with a wet rag.
"Dobby?"
The house-elf jumped backwards, dropping the rag. "Dudley Dursley came back to Hogwarts," he whispered. "Dudley ignored Dobby's warning."
"Yeah, well, Dudley's been ignoring the diary, too. What are you doing here? Do you work at Hogwarts?"
"No sir," said the house-elf. "Dobby came to tamper with the Golden Snitch, because his barrier did not stop Dudley from coming back."
"You made the Snitch attack me?" said Dudley angrily.
"Yes sir. Dobby had to punish himself for it, see?" He made a rude gesture with a bandaged finger. "Dobby had to iron a finger."
"Yeah, but I didn't get to watch," countered Dudley. Dobby sniffled and wiped his nose on his pillowcase. Then Dudley had an epiphany: "Hey, wait a minute! You aren't human, are you?"
"No, sir, Dobby is--"
"A pillow!" said Dudley. "You're a Transfigured pillow, aren't you?"
"Dobby is a house-elf," insisted the Transfigured pillow. "He wears a pillowcase because he is enslaved. If master gave Dobby clothes, Dobby would be set free."
"Oh. So you stole a pillowcase?"
"No, master gave it to Dobby."
"To wear?"
"Yes."
"Doesn't that count, then?"
"Apparently not. Best if Dobby gets used clothing, sir, then there is no loophole."
| Chapter Six: Hidden Talents |
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"How is Lockhart's class going?" asked Snape.
"Great!" said Dudley. "We learned how to cure a werewolf yesterday."
"Fascinating. But I'm a bit concerned about the, er, range of topics being covered. Have you actually used your wands in class?"
"I did," said Pansy. "I used Homorphus on Greg. He's not a werewolf."
"I don't think I was before," suggested Greg.
"Hm," said Snape. "Perhaps we should start a dueling club to, ah, round out your learning experience."
"Wait a minute," said Dudley. "Would we go to this club instead of Dark Arts class?"
"No, it would meet in the evening."
"Oh," said Dudley. He had never heard Professor Snape, whom he quite liked, suggest something so horrible. "Wouldn't that be like having another class?"
"This would be fun," said Snape. "You won't be studying, you'll be Hexing people."
"Neat," said Pansy.
"And Jinxing them," added Snape lovingly.
"There's a difference?" said Greg.
"To say nothing of Curses," added Snape rapturously.
Dudley's enthusiasm improved when he found out there would be no textbook for the dueling club/class. So the following Wednseday evening, he, Greg and Pansy went to the Great Hall at seven o'clock for the first meeting. The Hall was packed with excited students, and Professors Lockhart and Snape were at the front standing on a long, low platform.
Lockhart, being the Dark Arts teacher, was obviously in charge. He and Snape first demonstrated Expelliarmus. Dudley thought Snape must have been learning from Lockhart beforehand, because Snape had become a very good actor -- he actually looked as though he disliked Lockhart! On the other hand, Snape hadn't mastered the Disarming spell yet -- he succeeded only in hurtling Professor Lockhart across the stage.
They split up into pairs and Pansy partnered with Greg. After wandering the crowd for a minute, Dudley caught up with Ron who agreed to practice with him. Ron got Dudley with his broken wand once, but Dudley got Ron twice (and without the incantation the second time). Then Snape and Lockhart called a halt to the chaos and asked for a pair of students to demonstrate what they'd learned.
"Dursley!" said Lockhart enthusiastically. "You and your partner -- Ron, is it? -- come on, then."
Snape looked slightly worried. "It wouldn't be... fair to Weasley now, would it? I mean, he's already had to face Dudley once this evening. How about... you." He pointed a finger at Colin Creevey.
"Me?" piped Creevey.
"Yes," said Snape smoothly. "But swap wands with Ron, if you please. Good. Now, Lockhart will instruct you...." Snape came over to Dudley and whispered in his ear. "Try Serpensortia."
"What's it do?"
"You'll see."
Dudley and Colin faced each other and Lockhart counted to three.
"Ex... pell-armus," said Colin tentatively, shooting sparks into his own face.
While Snape looked on, demonstrating the proper motion with his own wand, Dudley cried out, "Serpent, sort of!" A long, black snake fell heavily onto the floor and raised itself, ready to strike.
"I'll get rid of it!" said Lockhart. He used the Snape-version of the Disarming spell, sending the snake flying into the air. The snake landed, engraged, next to a Hufflepuff boy.
For some reason, Dudley was not at all frightened. He strode toward the snake and said, "Go on, get him!"
The snake spun around to face Dudley. "Which one?" it asked.
But before Dudley could clarify, Snape vanished the snake in a puff of black smoke.
At this point, the other students decided, en masse, that Dudley was the undisputed champion. Throwing him a number of admiring looks, they quickly filed out of the Great Hall.
"Oh, come on," said Pansy, tugging at Dudley's arm.
"What?" said Dudley. Pansy and Greg led him out of the Hall and into the hall.
"You're a Parselmouth!" said Greg.
"A what?"
"You can talk to snakes!" explained Pansy. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Anybody can talk to a snake," said Dudley, confused.
"No, they can't," insisted Pansy. "You were speaking a different language, hissing and stuff. Nobody else can understand it, although we could tell that you were calling the snake off of Justin--"
"What?" interrupted Dudley. "No, I was egging it on, honest."
"Cool," said Greg.
By the following morning, it was apparent that the revelation of Dudley's Parselmouth ability had had quite an effect. The other students were more in awe of him than ever. Then at breakfast, Lucius Malfoy's eagle owl came again. Dudley decided to answer this time. He took out his quill, opened a new bottle of ink, and wrote his reply:
dear lucius,He attached the letter to the owl and sent it off, hoping that would satisfy Lucius once and for all.
im riting in the diry.
ive been riting in it for a long time.
-dudley
ps, im a parsulmouth. that meens i talk to snakes.
continue with
Dudley and the Secret Chamber chapters 7-9
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